My PTSD *Graphic content warning*

Earlier today I had a nightmare when I took a nap. Someone had me repeat the nightmare to them and tried to do a dream reading of it. Honestly I would have believed it if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew where this nightmare spawned from. The fact is that I have PTSD about sleeping.

It started at the end of my 8th grade year. I started having nightmares of the most hellish sort. The first dream started with me being pulled down this tunnel of burned, charred, rotted hands that were grabbing me, not to stop me, but to try to free themselves from their own miserable fates. The thing that was grabbing me was a demon. It had grey scales all over its body, black spikes in unnatural places, massive leathery wings and a dog’s skull for its head. It dragged me to this molten red pit filled with rot and decay. The demon then tied me up and began to gleefully whip the flesh from my bones. I could feel every strike, but the pain from this first dream was not the worst pain from the nightmares that followed, nor was it the most sickening thing about the dream. 

It was the screaming of the damned, the rotten smell that made me vomit, and possibly the worse of all, the fact that even when there were times that I should be dead from the torment that I was given, I was kept alive just so that the demons and devils could repeat their sick past time.

I remember the tortures that they inflicted on me. I remember my fingers and toes being ground to stubs and regrown repeatedly as the next infernal contraption was prepared. I remember being stretched until my skin tore and my organs hung over the molten pits of rot. I remember the bugs, birds and vermin eating me alive as I screamed for help in the iron cages of the demons that imprisoned me. 

And what I remember almost as much as my own screaming is the terrible screaming of pain and terror from the other tortured souls. I remember watching, sick to my stomach and crying, as a pregnant woman was torn open by a vile wyrm and had her baby, a boy, ripped from her womb. I remember a man trying to kill himself repeatedly as a demoness raped him and used him for her pleasure. I remember more… Many more that make me sick to even think about. And I remember the screaming… Gods I remember the screaming. And How I wish and beg and pray that I could forget the screaming. 

No Psychic or spiritualist or dream reader could give me solstice from these nightmares. No therapy could ease the memories. And no amount of tiredness could make me sleep until the bright noon sun, where I believe that the demons are weakest but still terrifying enough for rest and sleep to not come in any great amounts. 

My torment went on for too long. For 2 years of my the part of my life that i could still call my childhood, this went on for. Now 6 years of being afraid to sleep out of fear of remembering such hellish nights have past since the start of the nightmares.

And Still I pray and beg for the lingering torment to stop. And still I cry when I remember the screaming, when I remember the tormented souls that were my companions for 2 years, when I remember the horridness of what happened to me all those years ago.

This is the rape of my childhood. This is the rape of my mind. This is the torture that I must live with through my life. Gods give me strength.


Dying souls in a dream

I just woke up from a dream, panicking . I just walked in on these two girls that have been appearing in my dreams for the past several months making out. They did not see me so I went to leave the room. I turned and saw a pale purple light flash across the walls. Instinctively I looked at the two girls and saw a blade sticking out of them. I rushed over and laid them flat on their backs to check the cut, but there was none. They were spouting stuff that make them sound delusional or just sounded like gibberish. All the while the opening to the song “Playing with the big boys now” From the Prince of Egypt movie was playing in my head. I closed my eyes and forced my mind to a deeper level of the unseen. What I saw was a serpent like demon with arms all the way down its body, saying “Which is it Kyle? Attack me for what I have done or save your shadow dancers? You can only pick one and you are running out of time.” At that moment the final “Ra” was shouted and I took the three of us to a place that I have not seen in the morning. Ra’s sun-boat fresh from the River of Night. There was Ra, Bast, Sekhmet, and a couple of gods that I did not know off the top of my head. I was crying and begging the gods to save the two girls. Bast came up to me and told me to take them off the boat or else they would get fevered and die for sure. I took them off and looked for their wound. What I saw was both beautiful but depressing to behold. I saw two flickering orbs of light and both of them were almost split in half. I knew that those were soul orbs but I and I knew that It was beyond my power to save them. Bast appeared and knocked me back into the waking world saying leave it to me. I am terrified but I must do as she says. This is my first experiance of any soul being changed back into energy before my eyes, and it is scary..