A couple of nights ago, something amazing happened. I was able to be close to someone who I have been needing for years now.
During that time with her, my Fire, my very soul, woke up and opened it’s eyes. It was ready to walk it’s path, even though it was hurting a little.
I took a pause and have meditated on this a while. What is my path, what is my power, who am I, what am I, where is my place, what should I do, these are some of the questions that I have been asking myself. Hard questions to ask, harder to answer.
Something else has happened though. For every yang that happens, so too must a yin. A person that I care about does not like the fact that I am a wanderer. She is very much a communications person and someone who, like me, just up and goes where the spirit of wind blows, just isn’t compatible.
She also wants to help me but what works for her doesn’t work for me. She wants things like triggers all figured out, what causes it, what it does, what it hurts, everything. Where I am more than content to find what causes it and how to avoid it and not question how or why.
Other things have come up as well. Jealousy, self loathing, thoughts of suicide. Very dark things. Things that I just don’t share with others. and I have come to realize that I share almost nothing of myself with the world around me. I share my energy and my time but almost nothing else. Honestly, this doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It is not that I don’t trust people or don’t want them to see a part of me, though that may help me shut up when I am feeling suicidal. It really comes down to the fact that I don’t care for people to know.
Karma has come up recently as well. I have come to realize that I don’t care about karma. Not in the I am going to do what I want and I don’t care about the effects kind of I don’t care. More like if I deserve to be punished then let me be punished, if I am to be rewarded then reward me if you want. I am going to take everything in stride and just not care about the rest.
As for the self loathing, that is getting better. I hate myself as much and actually have started enjoying things about me. I have introspected and realized that the reason I don’t like myself is because I am not how I want to be. And what has caused that? Honestly it has been people trying to help me. Because I am the kind that sits there and tries to be exactly like the one trying to help me but that causes more harm than anything and that pushes me farther down the snake hole.
Jealousy is not much of a problem now that things have been laid down. But I am realizing my role and how it effects my spirituality and my physical life. My Role isn’t a Sacred Harlot or a Paladin or even a Hunter. My Role is King.
My role is King. That is a trouble and a half. As King I have territories and subjects that willingly follow me. As King it is my duty to protect and help make all under me flourish. That is a hard job but one I must take. One that I must re-take.
The last time I tried to be King, I was hurt. Hurst so severely that I couldn’t recover for years. My energies would flux and change, and my moods were as wild as the winds. I was devastated by the actions of one that I loved. But I have healed. I have grown and changed and have reached a point where I feel right taking up the role of King.
All because of a night with someone I loved.
My life has been on pause for this introspection to happen. Now it is time to start walking again. It is time to start running again.
I am Keahiuli, Sa HethertSekhmet, beloved of Set, Amun-Ra, Mut, and Sokar. Son of Hades, lover of Nyx, Freyja, and Pele. Student of Seiryuu Gima, and Master of my own design.